Tuesday, December 25, 2007

69 turds.


I am a turd. I am a lowly abject turd. And these are 69 reasons why I should have been aborted:

1. My room is a shitpile, but i try to play it off and call it an "installation."

2. I do not have a girlfriend or a wife.

3. My toilet flushes.

4. I have in-grown hairs that look like genital warts.

5. I am a coward.

6. I cannot remember things.

7. I wear two pairs of socks (even in the summer).

8. I never crank the ignition of my truck so the battery always dies. I also need to change the oil on my car (but i know how to change my own oil and I'm just lazy and broke.)

9. I forget people's birthdays. I hate holidays.

10. I lose things.

11. I have a lisp.

12. I hate people that chew w/ their mouth open.

13. My front tooth is chipped and needs new "chaulking."

14. I have killed many times. Mostly cockroaches.

15. I am an obsessive-complusive washer of the dishes.

16. I have not yet been on a reality show.

17. I have had sexual intercourse with some of the most rotten, insecure, coked-up, manic depressive type chicks you'd ever want to meet.

18. I have bad body odour in the winter and I shower "every other day." I am also w/ beard.

19. I seem to constantly avoid paying rent and not having "my own place."

20. People have told me I am delusional or paranoid; although I must disagree with them because I justify all of my paranoia.

21. I cannot get pregnant.

22. I've heard my mother orgasm before. She sounded like she was faking it.

23. I HATE my father. He is a douche.

24. I want to have sex w/ fat chicks. But cute fat chicks.

25. Once when I was in middle school I used the unisex bathroom in the principal's office and someone left a bloody tampon in the the garbage and that really creeped me out. I thought it was disgusting.

26. I shave my legs. but i use Nair on my underpits. and my chest hair. and my "pubes."

27. I wish more womyn would talk about menstruation but then when they do I am always creeped out and disgusted.

28. I am obsessed with America's Top Model and the Tila Tequila show. And Flavor of Love. and that one w/ that hair metal dude. and Project Runway. and there's was one w/ Paula Abdul but I didn't see that one. and I like On the D List w/ Kathy Griffith also. the Salt N' Pepa one was kind of lame...

29. I am dirty, physically and mentally.

30. I believe in religious "plurality."

31. I say really mean things when I get mad. But I rarely get mad becuz I'm totes passive-aggressive.

32. I am very lazy. Even worse though I am a horrible procrastinator.

33. I sleep a lot. At least ten hours a day. Well into the afternoon I sleep.

34. I wish I could get a chick pregnant and then leave her to deal with the baby. But I have a conscience so I don't do that.

35. Older chicks hit on me all the time.

36. I would randomly send nude photos to womyn on death row if i knew they were not going to be confiscated by the warden.

37. I never pick up the phone.

38. I have not talked to my father in five years becuz I disowned him in 2002.

39. I wash my hair with bar soap.

40. I am only attracted to chicks who have severe substance-abuse problems (again, I don't think this is a problem, but others do).

41. I am beginning to learn awesome revenge tactics.

42. I don't know how to fight but I act like I do.

43. I don't own a gun but I want to buy one at a gun show soon.

44. I am not as good at mind control as I should be by now.

45. I am not as famous as I should be by now becuz i hate the "bourgeoisie."

46. I want to live to be at least 90 years old.

47. I am awesome at eBay. I have 100 percent feedback.

48. I wish Lara Flynn Boyle was still on that show Las Vegas, which is on NBC. Molly Sims is now and I think that hoe is ugly.

49. I TRUST NO ONE (although I think this is a good thing).

50. I can do my own taxes and I usually do them as soon as I receive my W-2's. Its called 1040 EZ for a reason dumbassess!!!

51. I have terrible credit. and creditors call my house ALL THE TIME, which is the reason why I never answer the phone.

52. I got my truck towed once and I literally had a nervous breakdown. or a psychotic break. or whatever the fuck its called.

53. I can pee standing up.

54. I rarely lie. but I should lie more often.

55. Obviously I steal. (not just material things, ideas as well, and anything else).

56. My behavior has been dubbed grotesque and unbearable.

57. I have little to no dignity but I highly value "character" in a person. This why I might vote for Senator John McCain.

58. I have head too big for my body.

59. I rarely dream.

60. I am "out of control".

61. I am too poor to buy hair dye.

62. I smoke outside on the porch.

63. I like to have butt sex but only w/ girls.

64. I temp.

65. Gay people want to have sex w/ me but I'm a cock tease.

66. My ex-girlfriend is a bitch. I fucking hate that bitch.

67. I will smoke up all of your weed if you will let me. I especially like doin' drugs w/ lonely people.

68. I let two people single-handedly ruin my life.

69. My childhood was pretty awesome. I should have gone to Dartmouth or something. Instead, I am a loser.

-- less_cunning

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